A mother was seeking help with her 14 years old daughter who has an uncontrollable habit of telling lies and stealing.

Her usual method of education was scolding and lashing her with a cane. Sometimes, she would complain to her husband and he would beat the poor girl till she bled.

I asked the mother, what she said as she was scolding and beating the poor child.

“I will scold her ad beat her, asking why she doesn’t listen to advice, why she kept stealing and telling lies.”

I replied, “Just as you are telling her, …don’t listen to advice, keep telling lies, keep stealing, so she will follow your instructions and do all these. As you are scolding and beating her, her mind is in a state of shock and empty, any new instructions are instantaneously programmed into her unconscious mind. So she don’t to advice, keep telling lies, keep stealing, WITHOUT knowing WHY she is doing all these acts!”

“But that’s how we should teach our children!”

“There are alternative methods. You did not show or display love to your child when she made a mistake. She did not know it was a wrong act, and instead of explaining to her, you beat and scold her. In a child’s eyes, you are an authority figure, a giant! Naturally she needs to listen to you, but she was hypnotized unknowingly while being trashed by you.”

I continued, “Put yourself in her position, how would you feel when you are misunderstood, when you are being scolded and beaten, especially until you bleed?”

“I’d feel angry and very sad and will ask why must I be beaten until I bleed.” Answered the mother.

“I’m not saying you are wrong because you are merely following what was taught by your own parents, you were probably brought up this way too. Scolded and beaten for every wrong act. It’s not your parents’ fault too as they were brought up the same way by your grand parents, and the cycle continues backwards!”

“So how should I stop my child from stealing and lying then, if I cannot beat or scold her?” asked the mother.

This is a common question; Many Asian parents, actually, most parents all over the world, have the same problems of teaching children, scolding threatening, beating their children.

I can offer an advice:

SHUT UP when you are beating your child. (If you really must beat your child)

Actually I advised this mother to find a quiet place, with nobody else except her daughter. She ought to APOLOGISE to her daughter for all the past scoldings and beatings inflicted upon her, and that she will never do that again. She will talk to her nicely, if ever the child is wrong. She will become a friend to her daughter and will treat her with respect. Her daughter can feel safe to confide everything in her. She should then hug her child and ask for forgiveness, and say, “I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you very much!”

I said this before, there are no stupid or devilish children, only ignorant parents who do not know how to teach. Ignorance can be corrected by facing to up to our own laziness in learning new teaching methods.

I wish all abused children a happy childhood and courage to continue living.

I wish all desperate and frustrated parents find LOVE and PATIENCE in themselves. Reflect how they themselves were brought up as a child, and how disapproved they were when young, how helpless and unloved.

Change ourselves and our children will transform naturally. Just learn to LOVE ourselves, because when we do not love ourselves, we will not know how to love our children. We do want to love our children, don’t we?

If you really have difficulties teaching your child, fill in your name and email in the free Mind and Body Consultation box above.

Thank you! I Love you!

Eddie Lim